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I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.
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In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
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Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
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If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
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God, who was James Mason, to Noah 'Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!' Noah, who was Sean Connery 'I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.'
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Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.
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I'm a one-man idiot.
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So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
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Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
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Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
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Off to Azerbaijan!
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I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
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Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
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So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
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I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.
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Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
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I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
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Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, 'Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette.' Racist people never go, 'Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters …'
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(Talking about American and British Language) You say 'erbs and we say herbs, because there's a fucking 'H' in it.
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So I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old, it's 6,000 years old. One of these is not correct.
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About homophobes As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
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Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a air quotes 'Genocidal Fuckhead … air quotes again with bunny rabbit ears'. But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as 'Pope Gutless Bastard I.'
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'Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!' 'No, I'm not gonna give you cash.' 'Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?' 'No, I'm … comfortable.' 'That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?'
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And we're going, 'Oh, Captain Clever! Whoa-ho-ho! Rattle it, and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!'