Eddie Izzard Quotes
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Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called 'Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You'.
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I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.
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She said, 'Spell 'ant' ', and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, 'That doesn't spell 'ant' ', and I said, 'It's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T – the rest are silent!'
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God, who was James Mason, to Noah 'Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!' Noah, who was Sean Connery 'I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.'
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If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
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Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
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So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
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I'm a one-man idiot.
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I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
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Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
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Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
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Off to Azerbaijan!
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Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
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So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
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(Talking about American and British Language) You say 'erbs and we say herbs, because there's a fucking 'H' in it.
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I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.
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Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
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I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
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Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, 'Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette.' Racist people never go, 'Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters …'
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So I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old, it's 6,000 years old. One of these is not correct.
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About homophobes As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
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Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a air quotes 'Genocidal Fuckhead … air quotes again with bunny rabbit ears'. But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as 'Pope Gutless Bastard I.'
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'Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!' 'No, I'm not gonna give you cash.' 'Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?' 'No, I'm … comfortable.' 'That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?'
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No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying 'Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?' 'Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?' 'Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?'