Ed Byrne Quotes
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The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has to do as well. Next thing you know, the Irish are going to start saying 'aluminum', and that'll be the last straw as far as I'm concerned. If that happens, I'm not going back! Everyone's got their own reasons to dislike Americans, 'aluminum' is top of my fucking list, ladies and gentleman. Aluminum cans, aluminum – what the fuck's aluminum foil? Honestly! Everyone knows it's pronounced 'tin'!
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He obviously went to a school where you get to pick your own fucking nickname, he did. "I shall be 'LL Cool J', 'Ladies Love Cool James'". "Nice one, God I wish I'd thought of that one for myself." If I'd gone to his school, my nickname probably would have been 'LL Nice E B T G P H A A F', which stands for 'Ladies Like Nice Ed But They Generally Prefer Him As A Friend'.
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...and I've had to call somebody who purports to be some sort of boiler man...am I just unlucky or are plumbers evil lying bags of shit?
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An isobar of emos. If anybody needs that explaining to them, it's because they are linked by their depression.
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For me snowboarding is basically like being beaten up by a mountain.
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I'm a fan of Bill Hicks. He did things that no other stand up did at the time. He was making fun of religion, at that time it was a lot harder to say those things in the States than it was here. To slag off Christianity and fundamentalist Christians, and to be pro drugs and anti gun in the deep south, that's a big ask. And he did that and made it funny. Bill Hicks was able to say things that he really thought, and he managed to make those thoughts funny without a care if it antagonised people.
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It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, "if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt."
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Sometimes in your everyday life, you should say the right thing. But the wrong thing is funnier.
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I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but I also know it takes ten minutes to smoke it. That's a clear five-minute net gain, I reckon.
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Trying to separate cigarettes and alcohol, that's against God's will!
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No one ever comitted suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.
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Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that would have been really weird, because it means you're in my head.
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Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion? I was sober.
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Do you know what's odd and weird and strange - a democracy with a fucking Queen...Piers Morgan, who's a cock anyway...sweaty faced bollix.
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I'm all for Workers' Rights and stuff like that, that's fair enough. But imagine if you were working in a pub in some real rough-arse of inner-city North Dublin, ...and you're built like, say, me. And you've got to go up to some bloke who looks like he's been lured down from a mountain with a hunk of meat, and he's just trying to enjoy his 'post-fight' cigarette, and you've got to tell him to put it out. Somewhere in the back of your head you're going to be thinking "Oh, thank you so much to the government for looking after my health." Somewhere in the back of your head, where your nose is about to be.