Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
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I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
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I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.'
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I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.
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I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.
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I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.
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My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes.
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People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.
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What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes.
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I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
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When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
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I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs.
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I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
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I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
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I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.
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Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
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I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
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I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.
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I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.
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I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.
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I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.
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That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
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You have to really be on your own side.
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Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
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I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.