Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
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I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.
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By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there?
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I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.
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I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
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I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.
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My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes.
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I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
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I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.
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I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
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What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes.
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I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.
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I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.
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I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs.
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I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
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When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
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In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.
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I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.
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Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
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Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
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I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.
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That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
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I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.
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I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
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I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.