Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
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When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.
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I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.
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I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.
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When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.
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I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs.
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I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
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Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
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In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.
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That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
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I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.
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If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
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People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.
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I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'
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I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
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I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.
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I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
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I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.
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Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
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The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.
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I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.
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I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.
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You have to really be on your own side.
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I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
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Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.