Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
-
That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
-
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
-
When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
-
I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.
-
If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.
-
Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
-
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
-
None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
-
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
-
Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
-
By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.
-
It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.
-
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
-
When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.
-
Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
-
The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.
-
With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
-
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
-
This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.
-
I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.