Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
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I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
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I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.
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You have to really be on your own side.
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The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
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Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
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Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
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None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
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I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.
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Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
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If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.
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This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.
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I'm not saying the N word anymore.
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I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
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I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.
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I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.
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I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
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I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
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With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
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I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.
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It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.