Lisa Lampanelli Quotes
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If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
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You have to really be on your own side.
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Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
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Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
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I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.
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None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
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Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
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The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
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The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.
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I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.
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Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
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I'm not saying the N word anymore.
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I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.
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With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
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I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
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I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
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If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.
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This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.
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It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.
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I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.