Elayne Boosler Quotes
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People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
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Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
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Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
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I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
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A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
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I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
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I've never been able to write for stand-up.
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I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
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I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
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People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: 'Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!' You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud.
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San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
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There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
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My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
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I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
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You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
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Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
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I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
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I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
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When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
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Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
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I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
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You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.