Elayne Boosler Quotes
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I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
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A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
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People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
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Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
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I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
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Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
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Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
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I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
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My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
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I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
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I've never been able to write for stand-up.
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There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
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You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
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I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
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San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
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I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
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I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
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Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
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People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: 'Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!' You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud.
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As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
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I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
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For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
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Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.