Elayne Boosler Quotes
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I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
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I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
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People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
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People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: 'Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!' You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud.
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There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
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I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
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Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.
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I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
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I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
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You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
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My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
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I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
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San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
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A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
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You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
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I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
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President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
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When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
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I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
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While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
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Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
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I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
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Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?