Elayne Boosler Quotes
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I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
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Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
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I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
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You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
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Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
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I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
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I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
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I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
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President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
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Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
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When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
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I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
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Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
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Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
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Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
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My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
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The message of great art is to disturb.
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I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.
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My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
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Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
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Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
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While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
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The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.