Elayne Boosler Quotes
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My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
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My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
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I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
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I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
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I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
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Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
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I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.
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Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
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Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
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Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
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Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
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I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
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As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
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Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
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For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
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I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
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The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."
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I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
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The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
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The message of great art is to disturb.