Elayne Boosler Quotes
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Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
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My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
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I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
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I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
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I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
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My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
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Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
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Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
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You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
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Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
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Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
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The message of great art is to disturb.
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The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
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I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.
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For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
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As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
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I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
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Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
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Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
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Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
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Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
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Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.