Elayne Boosler Quotes
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I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
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Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
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You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
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Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
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I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
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President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
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I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
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Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
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I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
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My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
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When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
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Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
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I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
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The message of great art is to disturb.
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Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
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Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
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My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
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Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
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Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
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I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
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I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.
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Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
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Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?