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Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.
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I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
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Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
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That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
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I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.
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Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that points to cityscape backdrop right there.
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Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
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He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
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'Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you.' audience laughs 'With my hand!'
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Get well soon, Castro. pause Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!
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I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing sic me.
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Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
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Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.
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Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.