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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
Mark Twain -
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Mark Twain
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Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Mark Twain -
...why doesn't somebody write a tract on 'How to Be a Christian and yet keep your Hands off of Other People's Things.'
Mark Twain -
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
Mark Twain -
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Mark Twain -
All creatures kill-there seems to be no exception; but of the whole list, man is the only one that kills for fun; he is the only one that kills in malice, the only one that kills for revenge.
Mark Twain -
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
Mark Twain
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The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
Mark Twain -
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
Mark Twain -
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
Mark Twain -
You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
Mark Twain -
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain -
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
Mark Twain
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It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Mark Twain -
The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers;
Mark Twain -
We have the best government that money can buy.
Mark Twain -
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
Mark Twain -
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain -
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Mark Twain
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Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark Twain -
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
Mark Twain -
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Mark Twain -
But the truth is, that when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
Mark Twain