Mark Twain Quotes
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The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
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To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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...why doesn't somebody write a tract on 'How to Be a Christian and yet keep your Hands off of Other People's Things.'
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Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
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Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
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Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
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Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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All creatures kill-there seems to be no exception; but of the whole list, man is the only one that kills for fun; he is the only one that kills in malice, the only one that kills for revenge.
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Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
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Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
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Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
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We have the best government that money can buy.
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I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
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It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
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The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers;
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The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
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When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.