Mark Twain Quotes
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You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
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...when you recollect something which belonged in an earlier chapter, do not go back, but jam it in where you are. Discursiveness does not hurt an autobiography in the least.
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Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
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I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
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When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
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Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
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Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
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...why doesn't somebody write a tract on 'How to Be a Christian and yet keep your Hands off of Other People's Things.'
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Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
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Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers;
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France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.