Mark Twain Quotes
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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
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You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
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When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
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The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
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When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
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The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers;
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
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It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
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Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
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...why doesn't somebody write a tract on 'How to Be a Christian and yet keep your Hands off of Other People's Things.'
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Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
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Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
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France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
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India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.