Mark Twain Quotes
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The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
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I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
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It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
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When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
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When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
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Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
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Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
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The self-taught man seldom knows anything accurately, and he does not know a tenth as much as he could have known if he had worked under teachers;
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Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
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Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
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We have the best government that money can buy.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
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...why doesn't somebody write a tract on 'How to Be a Christian and yet keep your Hands off of Other People's Things.'
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.