David Sedaris Quotes
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I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.
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You can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up a little sometimes, but you can't kill him.
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As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
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I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
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My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her.
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In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.
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But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
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Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.
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To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
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I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
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There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.
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Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
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When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.
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Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
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I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.
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I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.
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Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
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I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
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Shit is the tofu of cursing.
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I sometimes read books on my iPad.
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My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.
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I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.
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When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.