Billy Connolly Quotes
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, 'Did you fall?' He said, 'No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.'
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I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
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I don't aim to offend.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
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I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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Don't vote, it just encourages them.
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.