Dennis Miller Quotes
-
The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro. (Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven).
-
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
-
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
-
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
-
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
-
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
-
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
-
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of 'Whole Lotta Love.'
-
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
-
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
-
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
-
'The Death of Common Sense'.
-
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
-
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, 'You mean I'm not going to prison?'
-
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
-
Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.
-
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.'
-
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
-
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
-
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
-
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
-
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
-
I lapsed into rude.
-
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.