Dennis Miller Quotes
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Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
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I rant, therefore I am.
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And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
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Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
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The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
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I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
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Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
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A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
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'What would Jesus drive?' I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. 'See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone.'
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Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
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Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
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Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
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Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
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You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
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What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
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The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
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I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
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The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
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Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
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It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
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I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
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One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
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I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.