Dennis Miller Quotes
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You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
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Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
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President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
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Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
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I rant, therefore I am.
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Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
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And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
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A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
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The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
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I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
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Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
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'What would Jesus drive?' I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. 'See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone.'
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One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
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Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
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It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
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The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
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Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
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I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
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The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
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Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
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What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
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Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
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You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.