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Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
Dennis Miller -
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Dennis Miller
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Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Dennis Miller -
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Dennis Miller -
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
Dennis Miller -
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Dennis Miller -
'What would Jesus drive?' I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. 'See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone.'
Dennis Miller -
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
Dennis Miller
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I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
Dennis Miller -
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Dennis Miller -
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller -
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Dennis Miller -
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller -
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Dennis Miller
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Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
Dennis Miller -
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Dennis Miller -
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
Dennis Miller -
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Dennis Miller -
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
Dennis Miller -
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Dennis Miller
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I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
Dennis Miller -
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Dennis Miller -
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Dennis Miller -
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Dennis Miller