Emo Philips Quotes
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
Quotes to Explore
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Emo Philips
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
Emo Philips
Voted 44th funniest joke of all time in 'The 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time' in GQ magazine (June 1999)
Emo Philips
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Emo Philips
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, 'Emo, don't go near the cellar door!' One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
