Jen Kirkman Quotes
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I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
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Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.
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I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.
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Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
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Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
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I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
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Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
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Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
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Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
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If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.
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I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
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Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.
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At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
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I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
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I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.
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I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.
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The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
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The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
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People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
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I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.
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What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
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I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.
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Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.
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Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.