Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

Jim Gaffigan

• Thinking
• Grew

• Previous
• Next

Quotes to Explore

• Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Funny
  • Comedy
  • Reason

• How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Guy
  • Ideas
  • Littles

• I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Kind
  • Timing
  • Obesity

• It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Wish
  • Quality
  • Lows

• It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Today
  • Changed
  • Letters

• I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Funny
  • Humor
  • Vegetarian

• Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Life
  • Book

• Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Funny
  • Humor
  • Dirty

• No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Children
  • Kids
  • Fun

• Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Remember
  • Likes
  • Grammar

• I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Bigs
  • Guts
  • Fats

• Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Kind
  • Performers
  • Mediums

• I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Vegan

• Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Way
  • Care
  • Online

• I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Towns
  • Explicit
  • Midwest

• Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Baby
  • Doe
  • Easier

• One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Eating
  • Benefits
  • Satisfied

• I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Realizing
  • Hip Hop
  • Flavor

• I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Believe
  • Guy
  • Funny

• Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • People
  • Good
  • Why

• If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Trying
  • House
  • Camping

• I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Guy
  • Silly

• When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • People
  • Winning

• Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Shoes
  • Balls
  • Bowling