Jimmy Kimmel Quotes
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I can't be as flip as I once was.
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I don't eat two days a week. And people are fascinated by it, but it works. If you cut two days of food out of your life you will lose weight.
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If you want to do a talk show on network television, you're probably going to wind up having a desk and a band, wearing a suit, and having a sidekick. Audiences want to feel comfortable.
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On Monday and Thursday, I eat fewer than 500 calories a day; then I eat like a pig for the other five days. You 'surprise' the body: keep it guessing. I got the idea from a BBC documentary about this Indian man who seemed about 138 years old and said his secret was severe calorie restriction.
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Almost half our representatives in Washington apparently know more about science than our scientists. Or they pretend to, because big corporations give them a lot of money to make sure they can keep doing the destructive things that they do.
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I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own.
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The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.
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There were a lot of people who didn't think we'd get to this milestone.
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No matter what Sarah Palin and these geniuses she surrounds herself with try to tell you, climate change is not a liberal versus conservative thing, but the people who profit from ignoring it want you to believe it is.
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I'm excited, but I am also realistic. I have seen what happened to the people who came before me and failed. It's an unforgiving arena to be in.
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Almost every week, someone's mad at me.
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I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.
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I don't believe that lack of intelligence and appreciation for lowbrow comedy go hand-in-hand necessarily.
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I try hard not to repeat myself and not to do material other people are doing. We transcribe every other late-night show to make sure there's no similarity.
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Sometimes I'll feel like an interview was fine or whatever, and people go, 'Oh, boy, I saw you with so and so last night; that must have been tough.' And then I'm like, 'I guess it was bad. I need to look back at that.'
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There's something comforting and pleasurable about watching people win money.
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At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.
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I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie?
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'To be perfectly honest with you, ABC picks you to do this and then the machine goes into action and you shoot promos. But I'm still sitting in my bedroom at home going, 'Jeez, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.' And it's a weird situation to be in. And I guess we'll all find out.
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It never was my plan to get into television.
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I like a real beach. A crowded one, you know? People, towels, umbrellas. I hate those little private strips of sand you see up in Malibu.
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No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.
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You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.
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I'm not seen as classy enough to host the Oscars.