George Burns Quotes
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
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I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories.
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Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
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If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.