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He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
Wilson Mizner -
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.
Wilson Mizner
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Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.
Wilson Mizner -
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
Wilson Mizner -
Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.
Wilson Mizner -
Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you
Wilson Mizner -
The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.
Wilson Mizner -
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Wilson Mizner
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Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.
Wilson Mizner -
Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
Wilson Mizner -
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
Wilson Mizner -
Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.
Wilson Mizner -
It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.
Wilson Mizner -
Count 10 over him - he'll get up
Wilson Mizner
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I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.
Wilson Mizner -
Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner -
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner -
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.
Wilson Mizner -
The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
Wilson Mizner -
Failure has gone to his head.
Wilson Mizner
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If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
Wilson Mizner -
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner -
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
Wilson Mizner -
I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.
Wilson Mizner