Wilson Mizner Quotes
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I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.
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The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.
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The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
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He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
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Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.
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Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.
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Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
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The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
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Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
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Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.
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It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.
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You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
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The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.
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I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.
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Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
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I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.
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Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you
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The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.
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I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
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Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.
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I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.
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Count 10 over him - he'll get up
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If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
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The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.