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All right, so we’re also all fucked up. But hey, you think sober people aren’t all fucked up? The world is being run by sober people—and it doesn’t look like it’s working out all that well.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
And then my dad was there. He and my brother stared at each other and I couldn’t stand the look on their faces, because it seemed like there was the hurt of all the sons and all the fathers of the world. And the hurt was so deep that it was way beyond tears and so their faces were dry.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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For a moment, I thought of the word happy and it was a word that just, well, it felt like it was visiting me. I knew it wouldn’t last for very long and I’d be sad again and then it would be worse because it’s one thing to be sad and it’s another thing to be sad once you’ve been happy. Being sad after you’ve been happy is the worst thing in the world.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
See, this is the way I see it. Not all anger is the same. Because there are different kids of anger. And you know what else - sometimes, anger is a virtue. As long as you're not making someone bleed.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
She retreated to her own desert, prayed and fought with God there.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
I liked watching them, all three of them around my truck. I wanted time to stop because everything seemed so simple, Dante and Legs falling in love with each other, Dante's mom and dad remembering something about their youth as they examined my truck, and me, the proud owner. I had something of value– even if it was just a truck that brought out a sweet nostalgia in people. It was as if my eyes were a camera and I was photographing the moment, knowing that I would keep that photograph forever.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
And even me who did know them. I—I hated being loved by them. But I couldn’t run. I couldn’t. It is useless to run from a storm. So I stayed. I know about storms as well as anyone.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
Everywhere you went, you left something behind. Maybe someday he would come back and get it.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I wondered what it would be like, to love a girl, to know how a girl thinks, to see the world through a girl's eyes. Maybe they knew more than boys. Maybe they understood things that boys could never understand.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
Maybe the sun had set. Maybe the rainbow had lifted—because the light was gone.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
Why did I have to be a good boy just because I had a bad-boy brother? I hated the way my mom and dad did family math.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
Words exist only in theory. And then one ordinary day you run into a word that exists only in theory. And you meet it face to face. And then that word becomes someone you know. That word becomes someone you hate. And you take that word with you wherever you go. And you can't pretend it isn't there.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
But the thing is, I didn't make my friends happy and they didn't make me happy. All we did was get stoned out of our minds. That didn't have anything to do with happiness.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
It was better to be alone miserable. It was better to drown.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I can see that his heart is really numb. The heart can get really cold if all you’ve known is winter. I can see that his heart is really numb. The heart can get really cold if all you’ve known is winter.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
I don't always have to understand the people I love.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
Maybe all that silence about my brother did something to me. I think it did. Not talking can make a guy pretty lonely.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
I decided that maybe we left each other alone too much. Leaving each other alone was killing us.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
There was a tear running down his cheek. It seemed like a river in the light of the setting sun.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
I thought masturbating was embarassing. I didn't even know why. It just was. It was like having sex with yourself. Having sex with yourself was really weird. Autoeroticism.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I have it in my head that when we’re born, God writes things down on our hearts. See, on some people’s hearts he writes “happy” and on some people’s hearts he writes “sad” and on some people’s hearts he writes “crazy” and on some people’s hearts he writes “genius” and on some people’s hearts he writes “angry” and on some people’s hearts he writes “winner” and on some people’s hearts he writes “loser.” I keep seeing a newspaper being tossed around in the wind. And then a strong gust comes along and the newspaper is thrown against a barbed wire fence and it gets ripped to shreds in an instant. That’s how I feel. I think God is the wind. It’s all like a game to him. Him. God. And it’s all pretty much random. He takes out his pen and starts writing on our blank hearts. When it came to my turn, he wrote “sad.” I don’t like God very much. Apparently, he doesn’t like me very much either.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
She looked like a summer garden.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
But my father, the man who was in my room and had turned on the light, he’d raised me. He’d tamed me with all the love that lived inside him.
Benjamin Alire Saenz -
People don't always have to do the right thing for the right reasons—so long as they do the right thing.
Benjamin Alire Saenz