Alan King Quotes
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
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You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
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One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
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Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it's different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn't any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach.
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Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.'
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.