Alan King Quotes
-
You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.
-
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
-
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
-
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
-
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
-
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
-
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
-
As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
-
Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
-
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
-
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
-
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
-
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
-
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
-
Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.
-
Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it's different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn't any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach.
-
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
-
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
-
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
-
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
-
That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
-
I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit.
-
Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.'
-
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.