Andy Rooney Quotes
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We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
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Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
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Don't keep saying, "I don't know where the time goes." It goes the same place it's always gone and no one has ever known where that is.
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The great virtue of being alone is that your mind can go its own way.
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By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable
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I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
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Soap, like people, shouldn't smell like anything.
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I hate to say it, but I had a great time in World War II.
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The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
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I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
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A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
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I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
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I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?
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You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.
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It is possible to be dumb and be a college president.
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If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
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Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
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I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
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I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.
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I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
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Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.
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One day about 10 years ago the door to my office opened and who walked in but Bill Gates.... Seemed like a nice guy and has done more with his money than most billionaires. But that's as far as I want to go being kind to Bill Gates.
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I often pass a farm with cows grazing in the field and I think to myself how terrible it is that human beings grow other animals just to kill them and eat them. Most of us think of vegetarians as nuts and I'm not a vegetarian but I wouldn't be surprised if we came to a time in 50 or 100 years when civilized people everywhere refused to eat animals.
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I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.