Andy Rooney Quotes
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Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"
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It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.
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I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
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People like to say, "You're only as old as you feel," but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.
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It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.
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Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
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American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
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As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
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Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.
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The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
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There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.
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In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.
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It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.
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I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
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I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.
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Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.
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I just wish insignificance had more stature.
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You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.
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Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?
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Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.
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The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.
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We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
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Numbers tend to give the impression that there's more order in the world than there is.
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We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.