Andy Rooney Quotes
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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The best thing about a vacation is planning it.
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I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
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One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.
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Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.
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People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.
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Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
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Everyone hates war, everyone says.
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Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.
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I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
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Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
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The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
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I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
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Being kind is more important than being right.
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We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.
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I like Valentine's Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don't dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.