Andy Rooney Quotes
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Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
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Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"
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We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.
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I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
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Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.
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Being kind is more important than being right.
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Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.
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I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
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Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
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It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.
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I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?
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I like Valentine's Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don't dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.
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I never understood retirement. What is the attraction of retirement? I go down there to Florida and look around and I said, my God, who wants this? Not me.
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Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
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There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.
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I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
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Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.