Andy Rooney Quotes
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
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It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.
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Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.
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Everyone hates war, everyone says.
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There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.
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I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
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We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
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The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
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Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
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Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.
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One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.
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You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.
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We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
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It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.
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American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
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Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
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Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.
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Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
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A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.
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In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.
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I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
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Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?
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Being kind is more important than being right.