Andy Rooney Quotes
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I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More
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Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.
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The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
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I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
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Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.
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The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
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Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"
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Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.
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I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
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It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.