Andy Rooney Quotes
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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The best thing about a vacation is planning it.
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Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
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We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.
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Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.
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The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
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My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.
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One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.
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New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.
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Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
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Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
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Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.
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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.