Andy Rooney Quotes
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By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable
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Finding the tool is often half the battle.
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We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
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The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
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People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.
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Space, like Switzerland, should be neutral.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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The best thing about a vacation is planning it.
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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
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If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
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Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
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One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
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My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.
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Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.
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Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
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Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
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Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.