Andy Rooney Quotes
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The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
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We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
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Finding the tool is often half the battle.
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Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?
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The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
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It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.
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We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
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There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.
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Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.
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Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"
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Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
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Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
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The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
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Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.
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The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
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Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?
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I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.
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Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.