Andy Rooney Quotes
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I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
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I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
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Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
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We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.
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Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.
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There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.
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I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
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The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
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The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.
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My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"