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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Andy Rooney -
American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
Andy Rooney
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
Andy Rooney -
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
Andy Rooney -
If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it's dumb.
Andy Rooney -
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
Andy Rooney -
I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
Andy Rooney -
Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.
Andy Rooney
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
Andy Rooney -
Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.
Andy Rooney -
I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.
Andy Rooney -
I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.
Andy Rooney -
I never understood retirement. What is the attraction of retirement? I go down there to Florida and look around and I said, my God, who wants this? Not me.
Andy Rooney -
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney
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The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
Andy Rooney -
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
Andy Rooney -
When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.
Andy Rooney -
There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.
Andy Rooney -
Being kind is more important than being right.
Andy Rooney -
It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.
Andy Rooney
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
Andy Rooney -
You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.
Andy Rooney -
I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
Andy Rooney -
Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
Andy Rooney