Andy Rooney Quotes
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Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.
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I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
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There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.
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Familiar things are a comfort to us all.
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I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
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I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.
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I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
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Every one starts out being an atheist.
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The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.
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I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
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Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.
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I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.
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When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
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I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
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One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.
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Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
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I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.
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In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
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I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
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The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.