Andy Rooney Quotes
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I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.
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Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.
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Familiar things are a comfort to us all.
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There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.
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I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
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I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.
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I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
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Every one starts out being an atheist.
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The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.
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I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
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Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.
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I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.
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I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
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I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off
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Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
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When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
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One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.
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In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
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If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.
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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, "Things aren't as good as they used to be." But it's hard not to.
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I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.