Andy Rooney Quotes
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Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.
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I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
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Every one starts out being an atheist.
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I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
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Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.
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There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.
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Familiar things are a comfort to us all.
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The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.
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Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
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I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
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One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.
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I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
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I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
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I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off
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If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.
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Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.
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The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
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When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, "Things aren't as good as they used to be." But it's hard not to.
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I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.
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the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
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President Reagan must be happy over how bad the weather's been this winter, because its the one thing no one's blaming on him. Theres nothing television news likes better than bad weather, and we sure get a lot of it in the United States.
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I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.