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Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.
Andy Rooney -
We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that's what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.
Andy Rooney
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There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.
Andy Rooney -
Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
Andy Rooney -
The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.
Andy Rooney -
Familiar things are a comfort to us all.
Andy Rooney -
I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.
Andy Rooney -
I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
Andy Rooney
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I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
Andy Rooney -
One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.
Andy Rooney -
I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
Andy Rooney -
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
Andy Rooney -
the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
Andy Rooney -
Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.
Andy Rooney
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Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.
Andy Rooney -
I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off
Andy Rooney -
If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.
Andy Rooney -
I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.
Andy Rooney -
Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.
Andy Rooney -
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney
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When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, "Things aren't as good as they used to be." But it's hard not to.
Andy Rooney -
I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
Andy Rooney -
If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
Andy Rooney -
When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.
Andy Rooney