Andy Rooney Quotes
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
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When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.
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Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
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Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!
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In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
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I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
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Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.
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the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
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If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
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I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
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If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it's dumb.
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All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
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It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
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You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.
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I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.
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The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.
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I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
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People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
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I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?
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Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they've done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
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Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.
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Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.
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Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.