Andy Rooney Quotes
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In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
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I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
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The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.
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When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.
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When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
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People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
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I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?
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Republicans ... are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then set out to get all we can for ourselves by working hard for it, that things will be better for everyone. They are not insensitive to the poor, but tend to think the poor are impoverished because they won't work. They think there would be fewer of them to feel sorry for if the government did not encourage the proliferation of the least fit among us with welfare programs.
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I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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The best thing about a vacation is planning it.
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My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.
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There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?
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I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
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The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
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Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.
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Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.
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If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it's dumb.
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All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.
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I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
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The one affectation I have forced on the publisher... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.
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All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
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The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.