Andy Rooney Quotes
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When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.
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Republicans ... are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then set out to get all we can for ourselves by working hard for it, that things will be better for everyone. They are not insensitive to the poor, but tend to think the poor are impoverished because they won't work. They think there would be fewer of them to feel sorry for if the government did not encourage the proliferation of the least fit among us with welfare programs.
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People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
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I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
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Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.
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When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
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Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.
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The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.
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My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.
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I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
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There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?
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In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
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The best thing about a vacation is planning it.
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All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
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If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it's dumb.
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All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
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Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
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I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
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I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?
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It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
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Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.
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I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.