Andy Rooney Quotes
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Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.
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I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.
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I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
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People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.
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The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
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Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.
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I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.
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I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
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Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
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I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More
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Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
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The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.
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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
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We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.