Andy Rooney Quotes
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Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
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Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.
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I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.
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I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
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I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'
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People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.
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It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
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I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
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I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.
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I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.
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Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.
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Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
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A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.
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Finding the tool is often half the battle.
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You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.
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I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More
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There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
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The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.
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Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
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The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.