Margaret Cho Quotes
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I think everyone should go on my diet. It's called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is, is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say 'Fuck it' and I eat it. You have to do it 6 times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program.
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And I got so drunk, I got so drunk that I actually woke up thinking, 'Should I get up and pee, or just pee in the bed?' Actually weighing the pros and the cons. 'Well, it'll be warm for a minute...it's a big bed, I'll just roll over...I'll just blame it on that guy!'
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Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. A matter of taste, a whim, an eye, a beholder, an opinion, a spin, light crossing the frame, paint, projection. The moment. Context.
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My mom used to give me messages like this: 'Ummmmmmm...Scott called...IS HE THE GAY??!!' 'Well, God, mom, I don't know if he's the gay...that's a lot of pressure on just one guy. He has to do the parade all by himself! 'I'm here! I'm queer!...I guess I'm the only one.''
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Monogamy is so weird. Like when you know their name and stuff.
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So I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline, and I was drinking Jägermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Woman's golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever. 'You have really bad skin. Thanks for the drink.'
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My attitude towards peace does not depend on which war we are discussing. I think that words should do the work of bombs
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If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like, 'Are you a unicorn?'
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If you are not a feminist, you do not deserve to live. Do you think you grew out of the ground?
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I was in the airport and there were these big snowboarder guys and they had white masks around their necks, and as soon as they saw me, they put their masks on. So I just went, '*cough, cough, cough* You wanna egg rorr?'
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Why am I political? Because society's consistent and constant disregard and lack of respect for minorities, even the title minority, is too much to bear silently. Their insistence at our invisibility, whether subtle as noninclusion, or as loud and violent as hate crimes, is contagious, and can make me hide from myself.
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I hate Sarah Palin, I would never vote for her, I hate her politics, but I kinda wanna fuck her. I know, it's unholy, it's so wrong. I want to eat her pussy from behind. Eskimo-style. No, you know I wouldn't eat that thing. 'Cause you know it's frozen. My tongue would stick...
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The first thing that you lose on a diet is brain mass.
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Lesbians love whale watching! They fuckin love it! THEY LOVE IT MORE THAN PUSSY! It's any sea mammal really. Whales, manatees, dolphins. They go crazy for the dolphins. I don't know what it is- I think it's the blowhole.
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I get nervous when people say to me, 'I just can't tell any of you Asians apart!' Um, why do you have to tell us apart? Are we gonna be separated for some reason? I can't tell us apart! I was not born with a chip in my neck that would automatically identify every Asiatic person that I would come across. 'beebeebeebeebeep Filipino.'
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About Christian Groups They have no rights to call themselves 'Christians', because they have no Christianity to them; they have no kindness, no compassion, no charity. I want Jesus to come back and say: 'THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!'
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I was on the floor in the emergency room, and the woman came up to me and said 'Hi, my name is Gwen and I'm here to wash your vagina!'
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It is a good life, if I watch myself. Kind of like when I used to diet, but now instead of limiting calories, I will not allow negative self-talk. I cut out insults like I cut out carbs and it is hard as hell because I crave self-abuse like hot, fresh sourdough bread, but you know you have to be nice to you if you are going to live together.
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I had a colonic irrigation in this clinic in Santa Monica, because people in Los Angeles cannot do anything for themselves, much less take a shit.
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on having a gay child And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread-count sheets, hair products by Frédéric Fekkai, and a copy of the Immaculate Collection.
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Like when Jay Leno made jokes about Koreans eating dog, but the hidden messages, our invisibility, is more harmful to us than any of those fools on 'board'.
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Why do they think 'fat dyke' is an insult? To me that means, 'I'm-a eat fried chicken and pussy.'
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My gay child would be a soldier, and he would change the slogan from 'Don't ask, don't tell' to 'Don't fuck with me, queen!!'
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I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. 'Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head.'