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I hate Sarah Palin, I would never vote for her, I hate her politics, but I kinda wanna fuck her. I know, it's unholy, it's so wrong. I want to eat her pussy from behind. Eskimo-style. No, you know I wouldn't eat that thing. 'Cause you know it's frozen. My tongue would stick...
Margaret Cho -
An article about Cho started out, 'Funny, sexy, zaftig Margaret Cho...' What is 'zaftig?' Isn't that German for 'big fat pig?' I guess I was lucky- 'zaftig' is kind of a nice word. It could have been, 'Funny, sexy, OBESE Margaret Cho.'
Margaret Cho
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I get nervous when people say to me, 'I just can't tell any of you Asians apart!' Um, why do you have to tell us apart? Are we gonna be separated for some reason? I can't tell us apart! I was not born with a chip in my neck that would automatically identify every Asiatic person that I would come across. 'beebeebeebeebeep Filipino.'
Margaret Cho -
Just as we pull up to this place...I notice two very large American flags...It's as if there was a need to emphasize the Americanness of this place. 'We are American' says the first flag. 'No we really are!' says the second. It struck me as enormously sad, somehow awkward and tragic.
Margaret Cho -
I had a colonic irrigation in this clinic in Santa Monica, because people in Los Angeles cannot do anything for themselves, much less take a shit.
Margaret Cho -
The way some of these politicians talk about homosexuality is very insulting. They treat it like it's a disease, like being gay is contagious. Being gay is not contagious. And if you think that it is, YOU'RE GAY.
Margaret Cho -
It's just that it's been my experience in having sex with some straight men that the sex is over when he gets off. And I don't accept that. I want to have an orgasm. Not right now! This is the Isaac Stern Auditorium! No, I want to have one. I'll put a chalk board over the bed. One...one.
Margaret Cho -
Like when Jay Leno made jokes about Koreans eating dog, but the hidden messages, our invisibility, is more harmful to us than any of those fools on 'board'.
Margaret Cho
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The best part of any fashion show is Karl Lagerfeld with his white hair, and the big glasses, and a fuckin' fan. Like he's some kind of Spanish lady or something. And I look at the fan and I'm like, 'Bitch, it's not that hot, what'choo doin'?'
Margaret Cho -
Then there is Dick Cheney, who essentially said that if Kerry is voted in as president, terrorism will hit America again. How is that? Is Cheney going to make some calls? Apparently he has the hook up.
Margaret Cho -
Thank God for gay men. Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all.
Margaret Cho -
on having a gay child And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread-count sheets, hair products by Frédéric Fekkai, and a copy of the Immaculate Collection.
Margaret Cho -
No matter what these terrorists do, I refuse to be terrorized. All this requires is just a few alterations in our day to day lives. For example, my first instinct when I receive an envelope full of white powder...is to snort it! I just won't do that this time!
Margaret Cho -
quoting her producer 'The network is concerned. They're concerned about the fullness of your face. They think you're really overweight and you're going to have to do something about it.' I didn't know what to say to that. I always thought I was decent looking; I had no idea that I was a giant face taking over America! HERE COMES THE FACE!!
Margaret Cho
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I can't even look at those 'women's magazines' anyway. I love fashion, but I look at the pictures of the skinny models, and they're wearing clothes I can't even fit on my fingers. And I look at that and I think, if that is what a woman is supposed to look like, then I must not be one.
Margaret Cho -
One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat.
Margaret Cho -
I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. 'Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head.'
Margaret Cho -
I think that gay people should have the right to get married by Elvis like everybody else.
Margaret Cho -
I was in the airport and there were these big snowboarder guys and they had white masks around their necks, and as soon as they saw me, they put their masks on. So I just went, '*cough, cough, cough* You wanna egg rorr?'
Margaret Cho -
I urge you all today, especially today in these times of terrorism and chaos to love yourselves without reservation and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather; then by all means, use restraints.
Margaret Cho
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I wanna fuck her, but I don't want to vote for her.
Margaret Cho -
I'm very inappropriate, which makes me a problem dinner guest, because at some point during the evening someone inevitably says, 'OK, heh heh heh, OK, too much information! Heh heh heh. Don't go there!' I live there. I bought a house there.
Margaret Cho -
Lesbians love whale watching! They fuckin love it! THEY LOVE IT MORE THAN PUSSY! It's any sea mammal really. Whales, manatees, dolphins. They go crazy for the dolphins. I don't know what it is- I think it's the blowhole.
Margaret Cho -
So they cancelled our show, and gave the time slot to Drew Carey, because he's so skinny.
Margaret Cho