Arthur Smith Quotes
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It is London fashion week, and once again I haven't been invited to any shows. This is upsetting given my well-known love of fashion, or, as I think of it, playing with the dressing-up box.
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When I was eight or nine, I wrote a new version of 'Peter Pan' for the school play. They didn't use it - I imagine it was unperformable - but as recompense for not doing my script, I was offered any role, and instinctively went for Captain Hook. I came on trying to be terrifying, but everyone laughed at me.
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I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but, unlike stand-ups, they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery.
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The best way to prepare for a night out with a Shakespearean tragedy is to do a bit of reading up in the afternoon, eat a light supper - perhaps Welsh rarebit - and then arrive early to do some stretching exercises in the foyer before curtain-up.
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Theatricals can be irritating, but will provide a better night out than mobile phone salespeople.
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Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.
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The pun exists in a social and political void, caring nothing for the issues of its day, content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.
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About every four years, someone says to me, 'I've got a friend who looks exactly like you.' What can you say to this?
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Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.
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Someone once described me as the Zelig of comedy, and I think I know what he means.
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The moon puts on an elegant show, different every time in shape, colour and nuance.
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A female friend who caught me watching Fashion TV reckons its audience is largely made up of slobbering men who are just taking a break from the appalling Men & Motors channel. I don't agree.
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Sometimes it's bad to do something you've never done before.
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It's the time of year when the literati give advice on what we should be reading on our summer holidays. These terrifying lists often leave me appalled at my own ignorance, but also suspicious about the pretension of their advocates.
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When synchronised swimming first appeared on TV, we laughed very heartily, and I, for one, applauded the decision to introduce humour into the Olympics.
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Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.
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An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.
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I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.
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Obviously I am not bothered about men's fashion - is anyone, apart from Jonathan Ross?
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The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.
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Only the pun remains. The pun, beloved of Shakespeare, children and tabloid headline-writers, is normally eschewed in the modern, sophisticated circles in which I move.
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Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.
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I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.
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I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.