Maria Bamford Quotes
-
Over seven thousand US veterans die of suicide every year, which is funny... false laughter... because you'd think they'd die over there, but they come home! Right? I thought that must be funny, because nobody was taking it that seriously.
-
Everything is being televised so you won't be able to tell where the Revolution is. 'Who's revolting? Well, I don't know, what's on the other channel?'
-
singing the song her therapist told her to improvise in order to 'let her anxieties out' If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die!
-
There's a lot of mental illness in my family. So, if you catch schizophrenia, get four boxes of Mike and Ikes, a Bible, and a cage. Wait it out.
-
S-s-sure I'll join your cult. nervous smile
-
I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.
-
when the bank calls: 'Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?'
-
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
-
I love my country, but maybe that's because I'm white and rich. I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit, that I refuse to share with others.
-
Time flies when you are anxious!
-
I'm not looking for much in a guy, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
-
impersonating her mother Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...
-
'Oh, but I've done some other unforgivable, unspeakable thing'? Google it. There's seven billion of us. Somebody has done exactly what you have done, and is currently on a book tour. You're never alone!
-
(singing) Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!/
-
I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
-
She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.
-
In response to having being referred to as schizophrenic Well, that is clearly not my mental illness; I am Bipolar-II - which is the new gladiator sandal!Schizophrenia is, of course, hearing voices- not doing voices.