Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
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Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is.
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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
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The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later, and Larry and I to this day are surprised that it caught on as a way that people describe the show, because to us it's the opposite of that.
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What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. 'Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the right man for the job; why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?'
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Economy is essential to all good fart .
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The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
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There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'
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Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root...and still be afraid of a spider.
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The biggest laugh has to come at the end .
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I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.