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New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.
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As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.
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I have a wonderful respect for old people.
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People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.
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People who go into show business are screwed up.
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I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.
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I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.
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I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos.
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I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons.
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John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'
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Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
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In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.
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I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.
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The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'
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The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.
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I don't complain.
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Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place.
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I'm from the Midwest.
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Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.
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I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.
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CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new.
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Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing.
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However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.
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It's fun being creative and that's satisfying.