Charlie Brooker Quotes
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One of the side-effects of having your work appear in a public forum such as this is that people often email me asking for advice on how to break into writing, presumably figuring that if a drooling gum-brain like me can scrape a living witlessly pawing at a keyboard, there's hope for anyone.
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We take miracles for granted on a daily basis.
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Nothing happens in cricket, ever. Even the highlights resemble a freeze frame.
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Getting a moral lecture from the fashion industry is like Jeffrey Dahmer criticising your diet.
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The entire economy relies on the suspension of disbelief. So does a fairy story or an animated cartoon. This means that no matter how soberly the financial experts dress, no matter how dry their language, the economy they worship can only ever be as plausible as an episode of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.'
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Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage.
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It's hard to think of a single human function that technology hasn't somehow altered, apart perhaps from burping. That's pretty much all we have left.
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Newspapers chiefly exist to spooned the opinions of their readers back to them, much like an arse to mouth hosepipe.
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I can't imagine voluntarily standing beside an F1 track in the rain, watching motorised wedges plastered in corporate decals zooming past at 500mph.
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I remember I was changing to one phone from another and going through my old contact details, and so I was having to delete duplicate numbers to make room, and up came the name of someone who died, and... it felt hard to delete the name.
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I'm scared about everything. I'm an anxious worrier. I worry about the downside of everything.
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New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.
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My career path is like crazy paving - it goes all over the place.
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I'm quite techy and gadgety.
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...I haven't seen so many dirty snouts, and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.
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I'm looking forward to the 'Twilight Zone' from Jordan Peele... if anyone's gonna reboot the 'Twilight Zone,' then there's the man to do it.
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Each episode follows an unbelievably spoiled rich and tiny sod as they prepare to throw a despicably opulent coming of age party for themselves and their squealing shitcake friends.
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I usually quite like women, but this advert makes me want to kill about 900 of them with my bare hands. It ends with the tiresome ladettes marching down a high street triumphantly singing the Here Come the Girls song out loud, like an invading squadron tormenting the natives with its war cry. Next year they'll probably be armed. Fear this.
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Our metropolises are blighted by two problems: a lack of public transport and a lack of public loos.
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I've got a phobia about throwing up.
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We don't sit down and look at the news pages and think, 'How could we do an episode about that?'
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I wanna do some more goofy comedy stuff; I really enjoyed doing 'A Touch of Cloth.'
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Anyway, Big Brother 7: that was that. Big Brother 8 is scheduled to take place in the glowing centre of an irradiated war-torn wasteland formerly known as Earth. See you there.
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It must be awful, being a homophobe.