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It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.
Charlie Brooker -
My bookshelves chiefly function as a snapshot of what I was reading prior to the invention of the Kindle.
Charlie Brooker
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'MasterChef' delivers all the reassuring, cadenced repetition of an endless chore without any of the bothersome elbow grease.
Charlie Brooker -
President Barack Obama. President Barack Obama. Nope, still can't get used to it. It's literally too good to be true. I must've died in my sleep and am now having an insane fantasy pumped into my head by the Matrix. Any minute now Salma Hayek is going to float through the door with a tray of biscuits and I'll know the game's up.
Charlie Brooker -
If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn't work properly. The seams come apart and it's full of powdered glass.
Charlie Brooker -
If your home is anything like mine, it contains several rarely explored crannies stashed full of archaic chargers, defunct cables, and freshly antiquated gizmos whose sole useful function in 2011 is to make 2005 feel like 1926, simply by looking big and dull and impossibly lumpen.
Charlie Brooker -
Banking, as far as I can tell, seems to be almost as precise a science as using a slot machine. You either blindly hope for the best, delude yourself into thinking you've worked out a system, or open it up when no one's looking and rig the settings so it'll pay out illegally.
Charlie Brooker -
We don't sit down and look at the news pages and think, 'How could we do an episode about that?'
Charlie Brooker
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We take miracles for granted on a daily basis.
Charlie Brooker -
...the news might be single-handedly trying to bring about an environmental catastrophe, which it will then report on.
Charlie Brooker -
Fortunately for whining snotface, the party itself goes with a bang. She enters looking every inch the cosseted flesh-waste she is, and her and her nauseating idiot scumbag friends celebrate into the night: dancing, shrieking, acting like pillocks, and generally making you feel like getting down on your knees and praying for a nuclear holocaust.
Charlie Brooker -
I don't know how, at an age when you're trying to put your identity together, how you cope with the pressure of a performance space, which is what social media is.
Charlie Brooker -
The BB house works as a kind of twat amplifier, you see. Once harnessed within, someone who in normal life would merely strike me as a bit of a git quickly swells in negative stature, eventually coming to symbolise everything I hate about our cruel and godless universe.
Charlie Brooker -
I didn't pass my degree due to never handing in an acceptable dissertation, and while it didn't harm me in the long run, my failure to complete the course properly probably led me to spend the next six years or so coasting, unsure of what to do next.
Charlie Brooker
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I won't get over that in a hurry: my least favourite atrophied Hazel McWitch lookalike in the world, singing 'I just want to make love to you', right there on primetime telly. She has to be the only person on Earth who can take a lyric like that and make it seem like a blood-curdling threat without changing any of the words.
Charlie Brooker -
That's certainly made me think. It's made me think I don't want a television any more.
Charlie Brooker -
In the early '80s, the arcade game Pac-Man was twice as popular as oxygen.
Charlie Brooker -
There's so much stuff flying around online, and it's so easy to get into arguments with people.
Charlie Brooker -
The upper classes really shouldn't open their mouths on television. Whatever it is they're saying, all your brain actually hears is 'Tra la la, I live in a bubble, tra la la, murder a fox, tra la la, Conde Nast Traveller, tra la la, Kensington High Street, tra la la.' They should know their place and keep quiet.
Charlie Brooker -
I can't imagine painting my face in a team colour and roaring with delight as a multi-millionaire kicks a ball at a net.
Charlie Brooker
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Amplifying body-image issues, profiting from anxiety, and employing virtual slaves in sweatshops are bad enough, but the fashion industry is also actively hastening the destruction of the very Earth we walk on. It insists on launching fresh collections each season, declaring yesterday's range obsolete on a whim.
Charlie Brooker -
Man the lifeboats. The idiots are winning.
Charlie Brooker -
The majority of people are perfectly capable of interacting with retail staff without spitting on them or whipping their hides like dawdling cattle, but Planet Earth still harbours more than its fair share of disappointments.
Charlie Brooker -
When you're being earnest, people think you're being sarcastic, and when you're being sarcastic, they think you're being earnest. The moral in all this, of course, is that people should never attempt to communicate.
Charlie Brooker