Daniel Tosh Quotes
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
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I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, 'Hey, so I guess I'll see you later,' and he's, like, 'Whatever, queer'. That's a hate crime!
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I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
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It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
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Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.
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The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.
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Thank you … San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
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I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
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Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her...