Dave Attell Quotes
-
Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?
-
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
-
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
-
I'm not really a music guy.
-
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
-
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
-
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
-
I have no grand scheme.
-
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
-
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
-
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
-
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
-
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
-
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
-
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
-
I don't watch reality TV.
-
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
-
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
-
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
-
I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
-
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
-
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
-
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
-
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.