Dave Barry Quotes
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
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The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
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And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
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The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
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Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms - so familiar at this time of year - can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.
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We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
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A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
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The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
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The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.