Bill Hicks Quotes
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Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys that like to lie in a tub while other guys pee on him?
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And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.
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I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, 'I did it! Hey!'
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(On being called cynical & skeptical): 'I do have a healthy skepticism, I think we all should. But I think if you listen closely enough, you’ll find that my message, if I as a joke-blower could be pompous enough to have one, is that we’re all alright and it’s gonna work out. I don’t find that cynical at all.'
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People say, 'Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world.' Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?
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Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.
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I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
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I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
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How many people, when you watched the LA riots on the news, were like me, watching the people getting hauled out of their cars and beaten half to death? How many people were like me seeing this and thinking 'Step on the fucking gas, man. They're on foot, you're in a truck … I think I see a way outta this.'
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Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well… your buddies will see you off. They'll christen your dumpster for you.
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I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.
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Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong?
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Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
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I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.
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I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.
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You ever look at their faces? 'We're pro-life.' Don't they look it? Don't they just exude joie de vivre?
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I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. I've been doubting my own existence.
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mimics someone complaining about second hand smoke Good theory. But guess what, if I don't smoke there's going to be secondary bullets coming your way, 'cause I'm that tense.
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They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
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One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, 'The door is ajar.' We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. 'How can a door be a jar?' … 'Why would they put a jar on a car?' … 'Oh man, the freeway's melting!' … 'Put it in the jar.'
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to audience member How much do you smoke a day sir? the man says a pack Pack! What a little puss. Gosh, why don't you just put a dress on and show it all to us while you smoke your little faggoty pack. C'mon, swish around for us. Damnit that pisses me off. I go through two lighters a day, dude. I'm starting to feel it.
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(On being censored): 'I didn’t go up and say the Pope’s a faggot!....Which is what he is, but I didn’t say that!'
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Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.
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(On drug laws): Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.