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People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'Aren't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Bill Hicks -
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
Bill Hicks
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… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
Bill Hicks -
People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'
Bill Hicks -
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
Bill Hicks -
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
Bill Hicks -
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Bill Hicks -
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Bill Hicks
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How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
Bill Hicks -
Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately...no one doubts my existence.
Bill Hicks -
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
Bill Hicks -
I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
Bill Hicks -
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
Bill Hicks -
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
Bill Hicks
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I am available for children's parties, by the way.
Bill Hicks -
Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.
Bill Hicks -
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
Bill Hicks -
How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.
Bill Hicks -
takes a drag of his cigarette Mmmm mmmm, tastes like steak and potatoes doesn't it? Mmmm.
Bill Hicks -
I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fuckin' bastard.
Bill Hicks
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As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
Bill Hicks -
The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
Bill Hicks -
Those guys in the Persian Gulf War were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, 'What's G-12 do, Tommy?' 'Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort.' Well, shit, pull that one up!' 'Pull up G-12, please.' sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion '...Cool. What's G-13 do?'
Bill Hicks -
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
Bill Hicks