Bill Maher Quotes
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What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn’t do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.
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It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL - it is true. 'I'm not sure he's a Christian' - I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.
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Rudy Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. Did you know this? I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote.
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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
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Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.
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The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
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Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
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It's so childish, 'greatest country in the world.' It's like saying, 'I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife.'
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This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, 'Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up.' And that's fucked up!
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I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream- to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
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Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
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Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
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President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
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We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
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When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.