Bill Maher Quotes
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I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
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You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery, but a little modesty about it might keep the heat off of us. I can't stand the people who say things like, 'We built this country!' You built nothing. I think the railroads were pretty much up by 1980.
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Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.
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It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL - it is true. 'I'm not sure he's a Christian' - I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.
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This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, 'Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up.' And that's fucked up!
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What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
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It's so childish, 'greatest country in the world.' It's like saying, 'I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife.'
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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.
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Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
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Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
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Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
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I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream- to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
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Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
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Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.
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Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.