Bill Maher Quotes
- All Quotes
-
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
-
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
-
It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL - it is true. 'I'm not sure he's a Christian' - I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.
-
Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.
-
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
-
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
-
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
-
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.
-
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
-
Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
-
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, 'Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up.' And that's fucked up!
-
I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn’t do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.
-
Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.
-
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream- to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
-
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
-
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
-
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
-
The Partnership for a Drug Free America? Please, make me laugh and gag at the same time with that title. They're a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries. They don't want a drug-free America, they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition. Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana, it will lose.
-
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
-
President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
-
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
-
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
-
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
-
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.