Bill Maher Quotes
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It's so childish, 'greatest country in the world.' It's like saying, 'I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife.'
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I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn’t do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.
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I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
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This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, 'Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up.' And that's fucked up!
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Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.
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What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
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It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL - it is true. 'I'm not sure he's a Christian' - I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.
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Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.
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Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
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Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
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The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
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Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
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We're going to get into partisan bickering because more than half of Republicans agreed with the statement that said Obama is trying to impose Islamic law on America. I mean that is a very radical thing to believe. And it's more than half of Republicans. Not tea baggers. Not radicals. The mainstream Republican people.
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Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.