Bill Maher Quotes
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Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
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I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream- to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
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Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
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When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
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Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
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The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
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The Partnership for a Drug Free America? Please, make me laugh and gag at the same time with that title. They're a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries. They don't want a drug-free America, they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition. Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana, it will lose.
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This is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city. From a place I would go. He's from Chicago; I love Chicago! I go there! Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas? Or Plains, Georgia? Or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! There's a reason small towns are small: no one wants to live there.
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President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
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We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
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I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on THE FLINTSTONES!
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In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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... You're supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, 'How could a man suffer like that and forgive?' Not, 'Romans are pussy - he still has his eyes.'
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I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
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The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
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We can't even reform the way we make pennies and nickels. This week we learn that making a penny now costs 2 cents and making a nickel costs 9 cents, which makes no sense.
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They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
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When it comes to scary-ass religions, extremist Muslims are like Godzilla and we're like, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
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Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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1 out of 4 Americans believes Jesus will return in their lifetime. See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility. 'Jesus is coming back! Of course he's gonna wanna meet me! ...Hi, Jesus, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with the rapture and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but...'
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What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they wanted to name airports after him so they can say, 'I'm coming into Reagan!'
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To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.