Bill Maher Quotes
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
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I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
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Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.
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... You're supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, 'How could a man suffer like that and forgive?' Not, 'Romans are pussy - he still has his eyes.'
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Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
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I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on THE FLINTSTONES!
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They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
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Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
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Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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This is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city. From a place I would go. He's from Chicago; I love Chicago! I go there! Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas? Or Plains, Georgia? Or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! There's a reason small towns are small: no one wants to live there.
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Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
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'72 Virgins' is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number; somebody said, '100 virgins!' '50!' '85!' '69!' '79!' '71!' '73!' '72!' 'Done!' That's how you got 72.
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What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they wanted to name airports after him so they can say, 'I'm coming into Reagan!'
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Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
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When it comes to scary-ass religions, extremist Muslims are like Godzilla and we're like, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
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I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.
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If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.
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1 out of 4 Americans believes Jesus will return in their lifetime. See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility. 'Jesus is coming back! Of course he's gonna wanna meet me! ...Hi, Jesus, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with the rapture and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but...'
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The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.