Bill Maher Quotes
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We're going to get into partisan bickering because more than half of Republicans agreed with the statement that said Obama is trying to impose Islamic law on America. I mean that is a very radical thing to believe. And it's more than half of Republicans. Not tea baggers. Not radicals. The mainstream Republican people.
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Women, they always want you to feel that, y'know, they like it when men cry, they think it's so sensitive. Bullshit. That is a trap. They don't like it. You can cry once when your mother dies. Other than that, keep it to yourself. They know people that cry a lot, they're called their girlfriends, they don't need it from you.
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The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
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Is it really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
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What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they wanted to name airports after him so they can say, 'I'm coming into Reagan!'
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Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her
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There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not 'nation-builder'.
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Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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'72 Virgins' is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number; somebody said, '100 virgins!' '50!' '85!' '69!' '79!' '71!' '73!' '72!' 'Done!' That's how you got 72.
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I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
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How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
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It's all been satirized for your protection.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
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We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
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We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
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'Couples should explore their mutual fantasies.' There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
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Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.