Bill Maher Quotes
- All Quotes
-
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
-
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
-
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
-
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.
-
'72 Virgins' is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number; somebody said, '100 virgins!' '50!' '85!' '69!' '79!' '71!' '73!' '72!' 'Done!' That's how you got 72.
-
1 out of 4 Americans believes Jesus will return in their lifetime. See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility. 'Jesus is coming back! Of course he's gonna wanna meet me! ...Hi, Jesus, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with the rapture and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but...'
-
I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.
-
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
-
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
-
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
-
Is it really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
-
Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.
-
I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote 'tax cuts' on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said 'Road Runner'.
-
Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her
-
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
-
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
-
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
-
It's all been satirized for your protection.
-
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
-
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
-
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?
-
Women, they always want you to feel that, y'know, they like it when men cry, they think it's so sensitive. Bullshit. That is a trap. They don't like it. You can cry once when your mother dies. Other than that, keep it to yourself. They know people that cry a lot, they're called their girlfriends, they don't need it from you.
-
Did you know that of the 14 states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump?
-
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?