Jasper Carrott Quotes
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I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.
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I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.
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When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.
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I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.
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Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.
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My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.
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Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.
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I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis.
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Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.
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If I were to ask you who the first million-pound show winner was on British TV, you'd probably go for Judith Keppel. She was, indeed, the first 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant to win £1 million, but the first one on TV was actually Clare Barwick, who won £1 million on Chris Evans' show 'TFI Friday.'
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I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
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There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.
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I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.
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I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.
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My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.
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Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.
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I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer.
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Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
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I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.
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When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.
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I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.
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If you were asked to go on 'Mastermind,' what would your specialist subject be? I wouldn't have a clue what I could answer questions on. Birmingham City Football Club would be a start, I suppose, but with a hundred odd years of history, thousands of matches, players and incidents to recall, even access to Google would leave me struggling.
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My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.
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After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'