Jay Leno Quotes
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The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
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Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
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The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
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The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
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If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
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Politics is just show business for ugly people.
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The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
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Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
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'Fred, what happened to your ass?' 'Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me.'
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The economy is so bad, I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia! THAT'S how bad it is!
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106 degrees in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
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According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
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You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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Afterwards, President Bush said, 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.
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You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
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The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
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So China's president Hu Jintao meets, uh- meets America's president. It's like President 'Who?' meeting President 'Huh?'.
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The economy is so bad, two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse, they said, 'Hey! Nobody else is hiring!' THAT'S how bad it is!
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The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
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If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
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'This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.