Jay Leno Quotes
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Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
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Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
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No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.
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In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
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Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
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I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
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about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS: How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?
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My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
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A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. … At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
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Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
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How many watched the President's speech last night? half-hearted audience applause How many watched American Idol? thundering applause Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.
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Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home.
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I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
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You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
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People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
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The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
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Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: 'Former president George Bush'.
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Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
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Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
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And as you know, this whole Hillary e-mail scandal brought Anthony Wiener back into the news. Now here's a question nobody has asked. Anthony Wiener is Jewish, right? Right? So does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Wiener?
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And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
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Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
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The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.