Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
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My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
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For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
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On why criminals rob nice-looking houses You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.
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It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
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There's no down time any more.
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Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
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Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
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The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
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You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
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You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
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Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
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I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
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Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
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about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys
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People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
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You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
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Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
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what men are thinking I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.
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My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
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It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like 'Oww! What was that for?' She said 'I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill.' I said 'I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy.'
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Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
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Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
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Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
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If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.