Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
-
what men are thinking I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.
-
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
-
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
-
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
-
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
-
On why criminals rob nice-looking houses You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.
-
There's no down time any more.
-
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
-
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
-
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
-
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.
-
about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys
-
Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
-
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
-
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
-
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
-
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
-
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
-
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
-
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
-
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
-
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like 'Oww! What was that for?' She said 'I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill.' I said 'I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy.'
-
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
-
I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.