Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
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I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
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Women in bed are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>
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If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
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about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance
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I really don't require a whole lot in life.
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If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
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I know God is real.
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We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.
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You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
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If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
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A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus'. I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
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When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more.'
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The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
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about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change
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from a skit about airports You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'
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The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
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You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
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I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
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That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
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I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
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Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
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If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.