Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
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If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
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If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
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Women in bed are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>
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Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
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from a skit about airports You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'
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about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance
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If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
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I love comedy. God has given me this platform.
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about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change
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If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
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If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
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You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
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The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
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If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.
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You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
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A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus'. I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
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The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
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When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more.'
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That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
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Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
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If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
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I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.