Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
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Women in bed are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>
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I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.
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If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
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My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
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A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus'. I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
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I really don't require a whole lot in life.
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You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
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Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
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about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change
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I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
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I know God is real.
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If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
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If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
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The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
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When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more.'
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I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
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I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
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from a skit about airports You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'
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That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
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You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
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Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
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If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.