Jeff Foxworthy Quotes
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about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance
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I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
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I really don't require a whole lot in life.
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(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have 'testiculars'!
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You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
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I love comedy. God has given me this platform.
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If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
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If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
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You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
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If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
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about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change
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You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
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from a skit about airports You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says 'Back in five minutes.'
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The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
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The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
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If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.
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When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more.'
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A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Jesus'. I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
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That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
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I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
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If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
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I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.