Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Jim Gaffigan

• Funny
• Running
• Humor
• Friday
• Monday

• Previous
• Next

Quotes to Explore

• The thing about women playing boys is that we're not going to age, and we're not going to go through puberty in the middle of a long-running series.

  

  Pamela Adlon
  • Long
  • Women
  • Age

• Be more dedicated to making solid achievements than in running after swift but synthetic happiness.

  

  A. P. J. Abdul Kalam
  • Running
  • Happiness
  • More

• Because of where I come from, I never thought I'd see in my life a black candidate running for President.

  

  Samuel L. Jackson
  • Life
  • Black
  • Running

• I was playing a defensive guard in 'My All American' who is a really fast runner, so a lot of my training was running. I wasn't too worried about bulking up because he was supposed to be on the small side.

  

  Finn Wittrock
  • Up
  • American
  • Small

• I can remember running around at the age of 3, wanting to play golf, cricket and football. I was always active, one way or another, driving my parents mad.

  

  Ian Botham
  • Remember
  • Age
  • Parents

• People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  

  Isaac Asimov
  • People
  • Great
  • Funny

• For me, I can't watch violence when it's too grotesque, and it's just like, that's revolting to watch. I don't enjoy it. But when it's a Tarantino film, I'm lining up outside the door to see it, and I'm expecting to see something really crazy, a lot of blood, and for it to be funny.

  

  Aaron Taylor-Johnson
  • Up
  • Funny
  • Crazy

• My mom is awesome. She's really young. My mom is 40, and she raised me listening to Nirvana and Courtney Love and Coldplay, Gin Blossoms, The Cranberries, and stuff. Like, my early, early memories are of being a little kid running around in floral skirts and Doc Martens when I was, like, three.

  

  Halsey
  • Mom
  • Memories
  • Awesome

• My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.

  

  Vanessa Bayer
  • Friends
  • Guy
  • Funny

• A monopoly is like running on firm ground. Nothing compels you to move, but if you do, you move forward. The faster you run, the more scenery you see - so you have some incentive to run fast.

  

  Raghuram Rajan
  • Running
  • Forward
  • Fast

• Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

  

  Abraham Lincoln
  • Funny
  • See
  • Others

• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

  

  Abraham Lincoln
  • Funny
  • Would
  • Wearing

• Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy!

  

  Hannah Murray
  • Time
  • Work
  • Happy

• I'm not on the run from anything and I'm not at all clear about what I'm running towards. But as some great writer put it, I want to be certain that when I arrive at death, I'm totally exhausted.

  

  Fiona Shaw
  • Great
  • Want
  • Death

• I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

  

  Eddie Izzard
  • Up
  • History
  • Funny

• The reality is the world is a really, really big place, and there's a lot of people running around with a lot on their mind. And you really have to figure out how to build a company that can put on a message that can actually reach people and have an impact globally.

  

  Marc Andreesen
  • People
  • World
  • Mind

• The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia!

  

  Vera Wang
  • Girl
  • Funny
  • Beach

• And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

  

  Damon Wayans
  • Family
  • Humor
  • Key

• I don't think most rock stars are particularly calculating. I don't think they sit there and think, 'I will do this; therefore, on Monday, I will sell another 200,000 records'.

  

  David Hepworth
  • Rock
  • Monday

• Life was always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act.

  

  Paulo Coelho
  • Life
  • Waiting

• When a publisher spends an inordinate amount on an acquisition, it will do everything in its power to make that project a market success.

  

  Anita Elberse
  • Power
  • Success

• I did photography, painting, and drawing, but I prefer sculpture. I like it because it's very physical.

  

  P. J. Harvey
  • Like
  • Painting
  • Photography

• Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

  

  Jim Gaffigan
  • Funny
  • Running
  • Humor