Jimmy Carr Quotes
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I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.
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I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
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Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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The highest terrorist threat level, as we all know, is 'I don't care if this does look racist, I'm getting off the bus... That backpack is huge and he doesn't need to be saying his prayers.'
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
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I immediately adored performing. It really empowers you when everyone's laughing. It gives you an immense buzz. You just feel on top of the world.
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as cliches or old wives' tales do.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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My writing process is editing. It's taking all the funny thoughts you've had over the last 12 months, and editing out everything that's shit. You're left with an hour and a quarter of funny stuff.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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The great thing about being a comedian is that it kind of doesn't matter how you look. It's actually a disadvantage to be too good-looking. There's a Darwinian advantage to being funny. If you're a good-looking fella, you can't be bothered to make up jokes.
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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So they've laughed and then they've thought, should we have laughed at that? Well, too late now. You did. I imagine I get more than my fair share of that.
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The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
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I'm a stand-up. And no one on the circuit's terribly impressed if you're on TV. I suppose I've stolen my ethos from Jay Leno. You can do all the TV in the world, but that's a team game, and anyone can be dropped from the squad. And if you haven't gigged in a while, you're not firing, you're not match fit. So I try and do it whenever I can.